Itachi's problems
by Zetai
Summary: They're dangerous, they're evil, and they don't know what mercy is, yet some idiot decided they could maybe... change? See what happens when you have a bunch of crazy people and you try to make them talk about their problems.


**Itachi's problems**

He scanned the circle of people and tried to suppress his growing irritation. They were fidgeting in their chairs, apparently losing patience. The awkward silence was broken by a few coughs, a few heavy sighs, and the sound of pattering fingers. Someone on his left was sniggering.

He took a deep breath and cleared his throat.

"Uh... All right. My name is Itachi Uchiha, most of you already know that."

"Hi, Itachi," they replied as they were supposed to, boredom evident on their faces.

"I am... er... I am..." Oh, how he hated this situation.

"It's all right, dear, go on," Shizune encouraged him gently.

"I am... The fuck with this! You know what? It's ridiculous. I don't want to do this nonsense!" Itachi could feel his face heating up. A few giggles made him look around in anger and throw warning glares.

"Everyone, keep quiet! It's not funny. You know this is difficult, you've been through it already. All of you have the same problem and you're here to support each other." Shizune gave them a stern look and the noise subsided. Then she turned to Itachi, a forced smile on her face.

"Now, my dear, don't be so shy, you're here to get help. Admitting your problem will make you feel better. It's a relief to be able to say it aloud. Come on, you'll see."

At this point Itachi already felt like pulling his hair till he plucked it out, but he gathered his composure and complied.

"Oh, to hell with it… All right! I'm addicted to violence and killing people in extremely cruel way, I can't last more than a day without killing someone," he blurted out as fast as he could.

"You see? It wasn't so hard. Come on everyone, he needs support. At least smile to him." Shizune thought this was way more difficult than she had expected. They were idiots, she was tired of their stubbornness, and she wanted to strangle them all.

"Now will anyone share some of their own experience? Show Itachi that he's not alone and he's not the only one trying to overcome such problems." She hoped they would finally start to cooperate at least a little bit. If not, she would kill herself. Or them.

There was a long pause.

"But... Tobi is a good boy. Tobi did nothing wrong."

"Oh, Tobi! When will you stop repeating this?" Shizune was on the brink of a nervous breakdown, but tried to look as calm as possible. "Denial is not a good thing, you know? You won't be able to overcome your problems if you keep this up. Anyone else?"

"Well, I can talk all day about my experience."

"Shut up, Orochimaru, we don't wanna hear about your perverted experiments again!" everyone yelled with disgust.

"Please, is there someone who can say something appropriate?" Shizune looked around with hope.

"Hm, experience... Yeah, so I was just about to rip his limbs off, one by one, and then stab, tear and cut to pieces his..."

"Not you, Hidan, you'll get carried away again. Actually, what are you doing here? You were supposed to see your psychiatrist today."

"Duh! I killed him."

"Oh, not another one." Shizune sighed. "Anyone else who wants to share... er... no, forget it. I guess it's hopeless." She rubbed her forehead in a futile attempt to chase away her headache. "All right, Itachi, maybe you would like to talk about your other problem. You didn't mention anything about that."

"What problem?" Itachi pretended he didn't have the slightest idea what she was talking about.

"Oh, come on, you're not the only one here having this problem. Right, guys? You don't need to worry, Itachi, they'll be kind and understanding, I'm sure."

"What do you mean? I just don't know what you're..."

"Don't be ashamed. We all know about it and we'll help you." Shizune did her best to say it kindly, praying that her jaw wouldn't start aching from all the fake smiling.

"Fine! You wanna hear it, there it is. I'm addicted to raping little boys. Fucking their little butts like crazy. You happy now?"

"Eh-hm... I'm glad you're ready to express you're emotions, Itachi. Everyone, please demonstrate your support and understanding. Some of you have been through that." Shizune hoped this wouldn't go too far.

"Heh, I'm not addicted to boys. My boy looks like a little girl." Zabuza flashed at Shizune a defiant smirk. "You should see sweet little Haku, he's so…"

"Dude, you haven't seen Deidara." Pein cut in and gave him a condescending look.

"Itachi, we understand you, really. Your brother has an awesome ass. It's no wonder you couldn't resist..." Kisame wanted to say more, but Itachi sent a ferocious glare his way and he shut up.

"Mmmmm, Sssssasuke... Hey, people, do you want to hear about my experience with little boys? Cute little boys... mmmm."

"Orochimaru, shut up!" Shizune wiped a few sweat drops off her face.

"Mmmmm... They're so hot, so soft inside. I love the fear in their wide open childish eyes, yeah, wide open... Oooh, little boys... I like to open them wide..." Orochimaru had a dreamy look and his tongue slipped out to wet his lips. Zabuza listened to him carefully and nodded with agreement.

"Awwwww... Tobi is scared for life!" Tobi crawled under his chair.

"Eh... Orochimaru, that's enough, really!" Shizune's face was red. 'Damn it, the mental image is stuck,' she thought, cursing the day when Tsunade had ordered her to lead this therapy group.

"You need to get serious. After all, you're here to overcome your problems." She tried to calm her breathing and regain her selfcontrol.

"But why is that a problem? I still don't get it." Orochimaru gave her an innocent look, fluttering his eyelashes sweetly.

"That's cause you're stuuuupid," Tobi yelled at him, still hiding under his chair. It caused a few laughs and Shizune's scowl.

"Little boys, huh? I'm thirteen. If any of you, perverted freaks, dares to touch me, I'll kill him."

They stopped laughing when they heard the sinister voice. Shizune shivered.

"Gaara, my dear, put away that sand. Remember what we said about being calm. I know it's hard for you to control your agression, but you'll learn. I'm here to take care of you..."

"Oh, c'mon! You're so carefull with him cause we spent the whole previous meeting listening to that pathetic crap about his mom. He's trying to make everyone feel sorry for him." Black Zetsu was irritated as hell.

"Zetsu, don't be so rude! You're hurting his feelings." Shizune stole a sheepish glance at Gaara.

"My mother... she's dead... and uncle Yashamaruuuu... owww." Gaara burst into tears.

"Damn you, Zetsu, what have you done? The little brat is going insane again, he's getting on my nerves!" Pein frowned, nervously biting the collar of his akatsuki cloak.

Kisame whispered in Itachi's ear "The brat's been like that since he started going to the therapy group "How to express our emotions", or some crap like that. Some idiot they call Gai-sensei invented it."

"Waaah... I'm all alone... nobody loves meeee... that damn Shukaku is talking nonsense in my head all the time... I'm going crazyyyy..."

"Calm down, dear, you'll be fine." Shizune didn't know what to do. "It's nice that you don't suppress your emotions, but stop it already."

"Everyone hates meee... I don't even know what love is!"

"We can show you, sweetheart." Orochimaru winked at him suggestively.

"This doesn't mean I don't know what a pervert is!"

"Well, Oro, at least you tried." Zabuza sighed with disappointment and exchanged a look with Orochimaru.

"Oh god, we have to calm him down. Eh... Tobi?" Shizune gave Tobi a pleading look. It was her last went to Gaara and hugged him.

"Shhh, it's all right, Tobi's here. Tobi is a good boy, Tobi will help. Tobi will give Gaara a cookie. Gaara likes cookies, right?"  
Gaara stopped crying and a smile beamed on his face.

"Thank god, we're saved!" Shizune muttered to herself. "All right everyone, we'll continue from where we left off," she started boldly. "Tobi, take care of him until he calms down, and then join us."

Gaara was happily eating cookies, Tobi still hugging him.

"Can I hug him too?"

"Shut up, Orochimaru, and keep your dirty hands to yourself," Shizune yelled in exasperation.

At that moment the door was slammed open and someone entred the room, stumbling and dragging his feet. A wide grin was plastered on his flushed face. Everyone's eyes turned that way.

"Yo, people, watcha doin, havin a party, eh? "

"Lee, for the last time, this is not the group for alcohol addicts, get out."

"Eh, I know, I know, but we ran outta booze. Big trouble, man. Ya nice people, d'ya have some booze, eh? D'ya have some, Zabooza? Eheheh, Zabooooooza."

"Sorry, man, only pot." Zabuza smiled apologetically.

Then Tsunade showed up, her cheeks and nose slightly reddened. "Sorry, guys, our group has a meeting and Lee got lost again," she said, dragging a struggling Lee out of the room.

Laughter erupted and Shizune huffed with irritation.

"Quiet! May I have your attention, please? Today's meeting is special. It's dedicated to forgiveness. You'll have to ask someone you hurt to forgive you. Itachi, you're new in this group, but we'll start with you. Now look who's here."

When she said that, the door opened and two jonin entered the room, dragging a freaked out Sasuke who was desperately yelling "Let me go, you motherfuckers! I don't wanna do that stupid thing, I'll kick your fucking asses, let me outta here!"

"Calm down, Sasuke, and don't ruin everything. If you stay calm and cooperate, Tobi will give you cookies." Shizune hoped this would work.  
Sasuke stopped struggling and fixed a greedy gaze on Tobi's cookies.

"Now, Itachi, come here and say that you're sorry. And ask Sasuke to forgive you. Brothers should not hate each other. Sasuke, be nice to him, I'm sure he's truly sorry for what he has done." Shizune pushed them to the middle of the circle.

Itachi leaned closer to Sasuke and whispered "Pretend, you little bastard, or that bitch will keep us here all day to make us do this nonsense." He straightened up, grinned and said he was sorry.

Sasuke gritted his teeth, then spat out the forgiveness bullshit, all the time thinking 'cookies, cookies, cookies' and repeating it like some kind of a magical mantra. Shizune's relief was obvious.

"Aw, so cute! Now hug each other. Yes, that's it, a nice brotherly hug. Ah, it's so sweet... er... wait… Wait! What the hell? No, Itachi, don't hug him... like that! Damn it, don't touch him there, OMG, get your fingers out of... ewwww. Sasuke, get out of here now!"

Shizune's face was bright red. Sasuke rushed out of the room, grabbing Tobi's cookies on his way to the door.

"Ooohhh, this turned me on. Why did you stop them, you dumb bitch, it was so hot. I wanted to watch, damn it! Oh, now I'm sooo horny."

"Shut the fuck up, Orochimaru! And don't you dare touch yourself! No one wants to see that!"

Shizune was struggling with her desire to dash out of the room and keep running till she left the Fire country. Everything was a complete failure. She just wasn't qualified for this. What was Tsunade thinking? And she must have ruined whatever progress Sasuke had in overcoming his posttraumatic stress disorder.

"Waaaaaaaaa!"

"What the hell... Gaara, what is it?" The sharp noise had made Shizune jump nearly to the ceiling. She took a deep breath, her shoulders shaking. "Uh, Tobi?"

"Er... no cookies." Tobi shrugged. "Sasuke took them all."

Gaara immediately ran outside, yelling curses and clenching his fists. Everyone gathered at the window.

"Gimme MY cookies baaack!"

"No fucking way! Chidori!"

"Heh, no chance against my sand, asshole. Cooookiiiiieeees..."

"Keep your filthy sandy fingers away from MY cookies, you motherfucker!"

"Mother what? Mother... mother... waaaa... mommyyyyyy... uncle Yashamaruuuuuuuuuuu... Everyone's dead!"

"Er... Gaara... don't cry... I didn't mean to... Your mother... I know... Awww, my mommy is dead too, and the whole clan, mommyyyyyy... Itachi ruined my life!"

Everyone stared at them for a while, then turned their heads to Itachi. He coughed.

"Eh-hm. Lil bro, you're embarrassing me."

"Life is sooo unfair!" Gaara and Sasuke were wailing together.

Shizune gritted her teeth. 'Damn you, Gai,' she thought, ' you and your stupid therapy. It should be banned! You fucking overdid it, you moron.' She was sure her headache was going to last for days. Finally she gathered what little strength she had left and made a last attempt to get some assistance.

"Please, shut up you two. Can anyone help?"

"Eh, we can just kill them, you know." Hidan thought this was the obvious solution for every problem and he just couldn't fathom why the others failed to appreciate his ideas.

"Rape them first!" A good plan was a good plan, but Orochimaru was always ready to come up with some improvement.

"Yeah!" Zabuza's eyes lit up. "Though I think we should make them wear pink dresses while we do it. You know, Haku has a few nice things they can borrow…"

"No!" Shizune was tearing her hair and swaying her body from side to side.

"Tobi has no more cookies. Tobi is hungry. Tobi needs a cookie."

"You need neuroleptic, you psychotic schizo." Black Zetsu was fed up with Tobi's crap and was dying to eat him and settle this matter once and for all, but White Zetsu preferred cookies.

"Tobi is no schizo, Tobi is a good boy. You call Tobi crazy! You have arguments and conversations with yourself, you're crazy!"

"Hehe, you both need neuroleptic cookies," Zabuza laughed hysterically.

"Everyone quiet, we have to find a way to make Sasuke and Gaara stop crying. Since we have no more cookies, we need something else to entertain them. Any ideas? Please!"

"I have dirty pictures of naked 12 years old Kimimaro."

"Shut up, Orochimaru!"

"Hey, dude, can I see these?" Zabuza whispered and Orochimaru silently handed him a few photographs.

"I'm sick of this." Itachi couldn't take it any more. "This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever done. So I have killed some people, big deal! I don't deserve being here. And... Hey, wait a minute, where is Deidara? Isn't he supposed to be here and have the same crap as we do?"

"Huh!" Pein rolled his eyes and prepared for a long rant.

"So you wanna know where Deidara is? I'll tell you where he is. There's no justice in this world, Itachi. We do normal things like killing and raping, you know, and they drag us here and tell us we have a problem, implying that we're crazy or something. And that bastard Deidara blows up some stupid things and they call it art. You wanna know where he is? In Konoha's art gallery, that's where he is, the idiot! He's preparing his first exhibition. It's called "Art is a bang" or some crap like that. He makes his ridiculous clay things and they call them sculptures. And some shitty art critics stare at them with idiotic expressions on their faces and say "oh" and "ah" and "brilliant". And then the bastard blows up that crap and they say "genius", "what a unique way to express one's ideas". Morons! And we have to waste our time here. There's no justice in this world!"

Everyone stared at Pein, a bit surprised by his sudden outburst.

"He's been like that ever since he saw the nude statue of himself that Deidara made." Zetsu snickered and shook his head. "Dei exaggerated considerably some specific parts of it, if you know what I mean. It's called 'Our leader's secret power'. It's gonna be exposed in the gallery, if you're interested."

"Hell yeah! I'm interested!"

"Oro, I'll kill you, seriously!" Pein clenched his fists and Orochimaru grinned and raised his hands in defense.

"Tobi is bored, Tobi wants some fun, what are we gonna do now?"

"Rape Shizune." Orochimaru yawned. "I don't think we have anything better to do. Unless you want to jack off to Kimimaro's nude photos."

"No!" Shizune paled and nearly fainted.

"We'll vote. Raise your hand if you agree." Everyone except Shizune did so. Orochimaru let out a sigh of satisfaction and licked his lips greedily. "Sorry Shizune, you're a minority. Rape accepted."

"Noooooooo"

Meanwhile, Gaara had stopped crying. "Hey, Sasuke, they're raping Shizune, let's join in! Yay, Gaara will have some fun! Gai sensei says we have to do everything with passion."

And a passionate group meeting it was, indeed.

Now, if you wonder about some of the other characters and what therapy groups they're attending.

Naruto is in the group for ramen addicts and he has a great progress. He managed not to eat ramen for 24 hours and the group is very proud of him.

Kakashi, Jiraiya and Ebisu are in the group for sex maniacs. Under their influence the group was somehow turned into a book discussion club, each meeting starting with Kakashi reading aloud his favourite excerpts from Icha Icha.

Sakura is in a special group for Sasuke addicts. Actually, most girls in Konoha are in this group. ( Eh-hm... I'm there too... I guess I'll see some of you at the next meeting... )

**The end**

**... ... ...**

**Author's comment**

Er... retarded. Yeah, whatever. So...

"Yo, people, watcha doin?"

Damn you Lee, you drunk idiot, this is not the alcohol addicts group meeting, you got lost again. This here is my fucking comment, get out.

"Ya can't tell me whatta do, me ain't ya character! Me and other fuckers, we Kishi's characters, no kiddin. Now cheers for Masashi, people, ya know ya love that dude."

Yeah, right. Thanks for the disclaimer, Lee, but now just... Oh, screw it. *grabs the bottle of sake from Lee and takes a big gulp* For Masashi!


End file.
